I'm Not Lost, I'm Not Gone
by mdale96
Summary: It was after Clare broke up with Eli. How do you think Eli deals with the breakup? Or how everyone else deals with Eli? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi there. This is my first story, so I hope you enjoy it! It's based on the song Remember When by Avril Lavigne. I don't own anything Degrassi or anything Avril Lavigne**

It had been just after the breakup. Eli was in shock hearing that his girlfriend (well ex- girlfriend) couldn't handle being around him anymore. He wanted to cry, but he felt like he should've held it in. He was always comfortable crying in front of Clare, but now she wasn't there. Bullfrog walked into the hospital room after Clare walked out.

"Is everything alright?" Bullfrog had asked. He was unsure of the situation. He didn't know what had gone on in the room between Eli and Clare, so he thought a simple question would be okay.

"I thought crashing Morty would make everything better, but in the end... it turned out to be ten times worse." Eli said soft, slow, and deep.

"Now why did you think things would be better off if you crashed Morty?" Bullfrog questioned his son.

"When Clare didn't show up at our bench, I knew something was wrong. After that, I decided to go for a little drive. It was a little after that she called me. She wanted to break up. I kept on telling her that we shouldn't and that I loved her. She eventually told me that she hated the hearse, so I decided to crash Morty. I thought that if I crashed Morty she would love me more. She would see me hurt like I am now, want to comfort me and tell me that she would be here for me. Just like she had always been. That's what I thought would happen. Man, am I an idiot or what?" Eli explained.

Bullfrog laughed at the last statement and started and explaining things to Eli. "You are not an idiot. You do stupid things, but you're not an idiot. Sometimes when you're in love, you fel like you would do anything for the person. It may not always turn out the way you want to, but you can definately fix it."

"Thanks...dad." Eli sad. It was rare for Eli to call Bullfrog, dad, but when he did it was because he was truely greateful to have him as a father.

It was a little after the father and son talk that Cece had walked through the door.

"How's my baby boy?" Cece asked Eli. Eli kept quiet and didn't say anything.

"Uh, I think I need to talk to your mother. We'll be outside if you need us." Bullfrog informed Eli.

**And that's the first chapter to my first story! I hoped you liked! I think it could've been a little bit longer, but it's the best I can do for now. Like it? Then review please! I would like to know how you thought of it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm really bored so I felt like updating. I tried my best to make the chapter longer than the first one. I still hope you guys enjoy the story because I'm enjoying writing it:)**

Cece and Bullfrog walked into the empty and dark hospital hallway. It was 11 P.M. so a lot of people weren't there besides doctors.

"There is something seriously wrong with our son!" Bullfrog whispered loudly.

"He crashed his car for Clare. So what? One extremely bad thing happens and you think something is wrong with Eli?" Cece argued.

"It's not just that. Earlier today I got a call from Clare saying that he brought a gun to school." Cece's eyes grew wide as soon as she heard that statement, "I grew worried so I went to Degrassi to go have a talk with him. He told me that he was upset that Julia was coming in between he and Clare's relationship, so he shot her picture."

"It's not going to make her any deader!" Cece chimed in.

"That's what I said, but that's not my point. I took away his keys hoping he wouldn't use his car. I guess he found a way to get into his car without using keys. Eli needs to find ways to deal with his problems without risking his life." Bullfrog explained.

"Well, we always talked about sending him to a therapist when he first started hoarding, maybe we can send him to a therapist so that he can talk to someone about his inner self. We'll take him out of school for a while so that he can get used to his therapist and stay away from drama at school." Cece suggested.

"I actually like this plan a lot. It will be best for Eli, too. One of my buddies at the radio station says that he goes to this really great therapist. His name is Dr. Maack. He treats adults but mainly teenagers." Bullfrog said.

"So it's settled, we're going to have Eli go to Dr. Maack?" Cece questioned.

"I think we should tell Eli first." Bullfrog said.

"Good idea." Cece said.

Cece and Bullfrog walked back into Eli's hospital room to see Eli's face covered by the Gothic Tales magazine. They weren't sure if Eli was asleep or not, so Cece lifted the magazine gently off her son's head. They saw that Eli was asleep, but then Eli was startled.

"Oh did I wake you, baby boy?" Cece asked Eli.

"No, I was just reading Stalker/Angel and I kind of dozed off. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I guess it's from all the medication, but whatever. So what did you guys talk about? It's about me, isn't it?" Eli asked.

"Baby boy, you and your father have been worried about you lately. We have good reasons to be worried about, too. I'm also pretty sure you know why we are worried about you.

"What your mother is trying to say is," Bullfrog stepped in and took a breath. "We think you should start seeing a therapist." Bullfrog chimed in.

"I agree with you. Ever since the whole Julia thing we've talked about seeing a therapist. Plus I know Clare would want to see me better. Even if we are not together, she would love to see me somewhat better." Eli said with a small smile.

"Well it's a good thing you agree with us, Eli." Cece said.

"In the morning I will call Dr. Maack. I hear he's a really great therapist. We will also be taking you out of school for a while for two reasons. One, so you can get used to Dr. Maack. And two, so your body can heal." Bullfrog explained.

"Haha" Eli laughed. "My body's going to take forever to heal. Am I going to be in therapy for a while?" Eli asked.

"All I can say is that it will depend. It will depend on how well you do in therapy. Since you'll be going to therapy everyday, if you do well, probably only a few weeks. If you don't, probably a few months, but then we would eventually send you back to school." Cece explained to Eli.

"Alright, I guess I'll be able to do it. It's good that I'll be able to help myself. Maybe by the time I'm better, Clare will come back to me. Then, we'lll be perfect once again."Eli said all happy.

"Now I wouldn't say that just yet." Bullfrog said as he sat down at the end of Eli's bed. "The relationship between you and Clare needs some time before it can become perfect again. Actually, I think after you're done with all your therapy you may have to wait a while. Clare will have to get used to being around you again. You guys are still English partners, right?" Bullfrog asked.

"Dawes never stopped us from being English partners, so I guess we still are." Eli said. That put him in a happy mood.

"So when you go back to Degrassi you'll probably need someone to help you what you missed, which will probably be Clare." Cece said.

"But I wouldn't get your hopes up." Bullfrog chimed in.

"Alright." Eli said. He eventually made a smirk.

"Well I would love to stay longer, but it's almost midnight and you need your sleep!" Cece said all motherly.

"Goodnight, punk." Bullfrog said to Eli.

Eli smirked then said, "Goodnight, Bullfrog."

Cece walked over to Eli and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Bullfrog then took Cece's hand and they walked out quietly.

**A/N : So what did you guys think of this chapter? I thought it had tons of dialoge, so I might have to change that. Was it long enough this time? Haha either way next chapter I plan on having someone visit Eli in the hospital before Eli starts his therapy. I will let you suggest who I should pick, so review and tell me who should visit Eli in the hospital! Also you can review to say your opinions!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Alright, so I finally wrote Chapter 3! This is the first time I didn't write it in journal first, so bare with me. **

That next morning, Eli slepted in late. He didn't wake up until like noon. His parents decided to leave him alone that day so that they could get him set up for an appointment with Dr. Maack. Eli didn't plan to have any visitors that day, so he watched some hospital TV and read Stalker/Angel for the millionth time. He liked that the fact that he and Clare wrote that story. It was then unexpectantly, that a boy with brown hair and blue eyes wearing a beanie walked into his room.

"Hey man, what's up?" Adam asked.

"Hey" Eli said all tired and groggy. "Fine I guess. It's been rough, but Cece and Bullfrog are setting me an appointment with this therapist, so I've been staying here. And you?"

"I've been fine. After the whole thing with Fi I've learned to be content with myself. I guess I'll find my princess someday. The dance was fun, too." Adam said.

"Oh yeah, _the dance._" Eli said.

"It wasn't until towards the end of the dance I found out what happened with you. Clare told me." Adam murmered at the end.

"_Clare told you?"_ Eli said all worriedly.

"Yeah. I could tell that Clare wasn't acting her normal self at the dance. She was moping to Alli about how she wasn't feeling right, but Alli kept on telling her that she did the right thing. It wasn't until I went up to her being the good friend that I am walked up to her and asked her what was wrong. She said that you got in a car crash and that she broke up with you. I guess the both of you had a rough night?" Adam asked.

"Umm, yeah. I guess we did. Haha." Eli laughed.

Adam laughed then put his hands in his pockets. He then realized he had something in his pockets. He pulled it out and realized he had a card from Ms. Dawes and the rest of the English class. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that our English class made a card for you. Here you go." Adam said to Eli as he gave him the card.

Eli opened up the card and looked through all the names. They were all people he didn't care about it. It was all "Feel better, get well soon" and all that other shit. He looked for one name that he couldn't find, Clare's. "Umm, where's Clare's message?" Eli asked Adam.

"Well, when Ms. Dawes wanted to make a card for you, she announced it to the class. Clare started breaking down in class and then ran out of the room. I guess the break up has affected her, or that she blames herself that you got hurt, I don't know. I tried talking to her after class, but Ms. Dawes called her in to talk to her. So I'm guessing she talked to Dawes about it." Adam said.

"Ms. Dawes. She was like a relationship counselor to us. haha" Eli joked.

"Yeah, you two talked to her a lot." Adam said.

"She's the only teacher that I was comfortable talking to." Eli said.

"Okay, whatever. Or that you secretly _loved _her." Adam said sarcastlically.

"Your sarcasm is awful." Eli said while laughing

"Thank you" Adam said with a smile. "But anyway, I think Clare misses you. I wouldn't think she would act the way she is now if she didn't."

"In a way I think she misses me too, but I don't want to keep my hopes up. I want to get through the therapy first then see what happens. I had this talk with Bullfrog last night." Eli said.

"Bullfrog's taught you good, then." Adam said.

"I guess he has." Eli said.

It was then after that the one of the nurses came into Eli's room with a bunch of food. "Excuse me, Mr. Goldsworthy. I don't mean to interrupt, but here's your lunch. You weren't awake when we came the first time, so we waited a bit." the nurse had said.

"Thanks." Eli said while he saw what he got for lunch. Adam's eyes grew wide when he saw the pasta Eli had got.

"I'll be out in the hallway if she you need anything else." The nurse told Eli.

"Wait a second miss." Adam said quickly before the nurse ran off. "Where do I get this food?" he asked.

"The cafeteria." The nurse looked at Adam weirdly.

"Don't mind him. He likes food." Eli told his nurse.

"Ahh." The nurse replied. She then walked away slowly. Adam then ran straight for the cafeteria.

Eli was alone until the phone rang. Eli hung over his bed so he could pick it up. "Hello" he then answered.

"Eli? It's Cece. I wanted to tell you that you will be taken out of the hospital tomorrow. Afterwards we will be taking you to your first therapy session, so be ready." Cece said.

"Alright." Eli said moaning.

"Is everything okay?" Cece asked

"Yeah, everything's fine actually. Adam came to visit and now he's at the cafeteria getting food now."

"That's typical Adam." Cece joked.

"Yes it is." Eli asked.

"Okay, well, I just wanted to check on you. I hope everything is well. See you tomorrow!" Cece said.

"Alright. Bye." Eli said then hung up.

Adam came back with all this food in his hands. " I saw you were on the phone, so I didn't come in until I saw you were done. Who was that?" Adam asked.

"Cece. She wanted to see how I was doing and that I get out of the hospital tomorrow and start therapy." Eli informed Adam.

"Oh well that's good, I guess." Adam said. It was then that Adam got a text message from his mom saying that she was outside of the hospital ready to pick him up. "Well I guess I have to go."

"It was nice talking to you." Eli said with a smile on his face. He really did miss his friend.

"Good luck tomorrow. Tell me how it goes when you can. " Adam said

"Alright. Now you better go before your mom has a fit." Eli said jokingly.

"Alright I'm going. Goodbye!" Adam said as he was leaving.

**A/N: So who else loved seeing the Adam/Eli bromance going on? I know I did. Alright, so you've read the chapter, now please review! Next chapter we'll see Eli in therapy, so review on what you would like to see!**


	4. Chapter 4

Today was the day Eli wouldleave the hospital and start his therapy sessions with Dr. Maack. You could tell that Eli was anxious to leave because he was tired of wearing a hospital gown and not being able to do anything. Luckily Cece brought in some clothes.

"Here you go baby boy. I brought your Dead Hand shirt, black skinny jeans, leather jacket, combat boots, and your guitar pick necklace." Cece said as she was dropping his clothes on the hospital bed.

"Thanks, Cece." Eli said. He was glad to see actual clothes.

"I'll be outside if you need me. Once you are done you can grab the crutches your doctor gave you and we'll go to the therapist."

"Okay, okay." Eli said cutting her off.

Cece left the room and Eli changed into his clothes. He had to sit on the bed and change since he couldn't stand up. Once Eli was done changing he hopped on one foot over to the crutches that were across the room. He then walked out into the hallway where he met Cece and they walked out to the car then started driving.

After a few minutes of driving they finally reached Dr. Maack's house where he does all of his therapy sessions. Reading Eli's face you would think he was alright, but he wasn't. The palms of his hands were sweating like crazy. You could tell he wasn't his normal self.

Eli and Cece walked to the door. Cece then knocked on the door and Dr. Maack opened the door immediatley.

Dr. Maack looked around forty years old. He had brown hair and dark eyes. He actually kind of looked like Tom Cruise.

"Hello" Dr. Maack said while looking at Eli. "You must be Bullfrog's son. Nice to meet you." Dr. Maack brought out his hand so Eli could shake it. Eli was quiet, but he did shakee his hand. "Well, let's get started!"Dr. Maack encouraged Eli.

"I'll see you in an hour!"Cece yelled from behind.

Eli and Dr. Maack walked into his house and sat into the living room. His house was very quiet and peaceful. It smelled nice because there were lots of candles. The one thing Eli about it, it was dark.

"So, Eli. I want you to tell me about yourself. Why do you think you are here?" Dr. Maack asked Eli.

Eli was quiet but he did start talking. "It all started last year when I dated this girl named Julia. Julia and I were a lot alike. At the time, that's what I loved about her. After a few months of dating, I found out that she kissed her ex-boyfriend, Mike. Mike was also my rival. I knew that I could've forgiven her because I loved her, but I got so mad at her that she got on her bike and left. Later that night she got hit by a car and died that night. I was under so much depression that I started hoarding. My parents wanted no one to know what was going on so they transferred me to Degrassi so I could get a fresh start. Degrassi was where I found my best friend, Adam Torres, and the most beautiful girl I have ever met, Clare Edwards. She-"

"I'm sorry that I'm interrupting you, but I will let your continue in just a sec. First, I'm sorry to hear what happened to Julia. Did you eventually tell anybody about her?" Dr. Maack asked.

"I told Adam first. When I started getting feelings for Clare, I distanced her away so that I wouldn't have to tell her. I eventually told her. It was either that, or I would lose my friendship with her." Eli explained.

"Can you tell me more about Clare? You and her seem very close." Dr. Maack asked.

Eli's face grew sad. A tear even started to roll to his cheek.

"Is everything okay?" Dr. Maack asked. "It's okay to speak our your feelings. That's what I'm here for."

Eli looked Dr. Maack in the eye then started talking. "I'll just explain our story. One day I was dring into Degrassi and I saw these two girls fighting over glasses. One of them was Clare and the other was her friend Alli. Eventually Alli threw the glasses onto the street and I drove other the glasses with my hearse. I stepped out and told her that the glasses were "dead". Then I stared into her eyes and realized she had the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. I even told her that she had pretty eyes. She said thanks and that if I would see her around. All I said was guess you will and then drove away. Well, I did eventually did see her again. Our English teacher assigned us as partners so we could edit each others work. She then told me that her parents were having problems. I told her to make a story out of it, which she did. From that point on, we became friends. We eventually did get strong feelings for each other but I already told you that story. When I finally felt comfortable, we started dating. Being in a relationship with her was the most difficult relationship I've ever been in, but it was worth it." At this point tears were all the way down to his chin.

"Did Clare ever find out about the hoarding?" Dr. Maack questioned.

"She found out herself actually. When I eventually told her myself, she told me that she would never leave me." Eli said.

"So she was able to understand?" Dr.. Maack questioned again.

"She did until the very end. She couldn't handle me anymore so she wanted to break up with me. I couldn't handle her saying that, so I crashed my car. She broke up with me at the hospital. That is why I am here today the way I am." Eli finished.

"Umm, wow. That's quite a story you two have. Can you tell me why you decided to crash your car instead of just talking to her about it?" Dr. Maack asked.

"We were supposed to go on a trip in my hearse. The night we broke up she told me that she hated it. So I thought about crashing it to get rid of it. My plan didn't turn out the way I wanted." Eli explained.

"Did you do it just to see you hurt?" Dr. Maack asked.

Eli's mood suddenly changed from being sad to mad. "NO! EVERYBODY THINKS I DID IT JUST FOR HER TO SEE ME. I ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT HER AND WANTED HER TO BE HAPPY. NOBODY COULD EVER SEE THAT BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW SICK AND TIRED I AM OF IT." Eli yelled in anger.

"Eli, how many people have you said that to?" Dr. Maack asked.

"Only you." Eli said.

"Why?" Dr. Maack asked.

"Because you don't really know me. It's not like you can send me to a therapist. If I ever do let out my emotions it's through writing so nobody will know." Eli explained.

"You give me an idea." Dr. Maack chimed in. "Since you say you express yourself throught writing, why don't I give you a journal!" Dr. Maack walked over to where his drawers are to go get a journal. He found a black one with a skull on it, perfect for Eli. He walked back and sat down and gave the journal to Eli. "I want you to write in it whenever you feel emotional. The other thing is only you and I will see it." Dr. Maack explained.

"Thank you. I think I'll be able to do it." Eli said with a smile

"You handled today really well. I'm proud of you. I'll actually talk to your mom to see if you'll be able to go back to school on Monday. I think you'll be able to handle it." Dr. Maack said.

"Really?" Eli questioned.

"You'll have your journal with you wherever you go so if something really bad happens to you when you're at school you can write in it. We will also have weekly appointments instead of daily so you shouldn't have too much trouble." Dr. Maack explained.

"So if something bad happens, I write in my journal?" Eli asked.

"Or since you go to Degrassi, you can talk to Fiona Coyne. Her therapist is Dr. Sandler who is also my cousin, so she uses a lot of the same techniques you will be doing. I'll give out a message to your principal so that he'll give you permission to write." Dr. Maack said.

"Thank you very much." Eli said.

All of a sudden there was a knock at the door. Dr. Maack got up to go open the door. Eli grabbed his crutches then followed to see Cece there. Dr. Maack had a discussion with Cece telling her how well Eli did and how him going back to school would be situated. Cece was very excited that Eli did well at his first session.

"Oh baby boy I'm so proud of you!" Cece said with happiness. She then kissed him on the cheek. Eli looked at her weirdly then looked back at Dr. Maack.

"So I'll see you next week?" Dr. Maack asked.

"Of course!" Cece said. Cece went to hug Dr. Maack and they left.

**A/N: Well that's chapter 4! I would write an author's note at the beginning but Fanfiction is being stupid right now. I'm sorry that I didn't update until now. This chapter tooke me a week to write in my journal, so I hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter should be about Eli going back to school. So until next time, enjoy!**


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